My Struggle With Bitterness

I have been married to my husband, Tj, for a year and one month:) This past year has been wonderful being with my best friend every day:) Yet marriage is so much more than I thought it was. One thing I have realized this past year, is that being married means learning as much about yourself as you do your spouse.
It shows you your true heart and sometimes, it’s ugly.

I never realized how bitter of a person I could be until recently. God used my husband to show me my true heart, and I’m so thankful he did. Before I begin, I want whoever is reading to know this: I follow and read alot of blogs and most of them are written by newly wed couples. On social media, their life is perfect, their relationship with God is strong,  and they never have problems with their spouse. I am not that way. I’ll be the first to admit that I have a lot of stuff to work on in my heart. And I don’t care who knows that because I’m not perfect.

Now, to the heart of the matter… bitterness. Just saying the word dries your mouth and makes you thirsty. I never thought of myself as a bitter person until recently… Here’s how I found out..

The past year I have been making an extra effort to dress modestly. Not because of church or ministry,  but because of personal convictions. For example, I’ve gotten rid of all my old shorts and replaced them with more modest ones. Doing that was easy, wearing them in public was easy…until me and my husband would pass by girls who were provocatively dressed. Am I okay with girls walking around my husband with their boobs hanging out and their shorts two inches long? Ummmm no? I see these girls and I instantly get bitter and hateful (especially if they are eyeing Tj). My heart swells up like its been stung and filled with poison (bitterness is worse than poison actually). My first instinct is to glare these girls down and shun them for dressing this way. You might think I’m jealous (well yeah? I don’t want my husband seeing any girls body like that except mine. And I especially don’t like the fact that he can be tempted to lust after these women). (Ps word of advice, pray for your husband!! It’s a sinful world, so pray for him in every aspect!) How can they walk around like that don’t they have any self-worth.
Well Bryonna, they don’t know their self worth. I remember dressing as skimpy as I could get away with because I wanted to feel accepted. I wanted someone to want me. And at the time, because of the people I was around at school and the media burning it into my mind, I thought that was my way to find acceptance. I was small compared to other girls and felt boyish. I felt like I had to make up for my “shortcomings” by dressing that way.

Was I not saved? Yes. I was! But I lost sight of where my worth came from! I listened to the lies Satan nudged my way. I ended up being miserable, with the wrong guy, and so far from God that I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I tried to find satisfaction apart from God, and it left me feeling empty.

It’s hard for me to walk past girls who dress provocatively (especially with my husband around) and not get bitter towards them. It’s so hard for me to swallow my pride and think of them as a hurting and empty soul just wanting to be loved. It’s hard for me to remind myself that I have been where they are and that I still struggle everyday with dressing to show my true worth. And to some people, the way I dress may not be modest in their opinion. But modesty isn’t the point of this post… my heart is.
It’s hard for me to think that maybe they don’t see any thing wrong with dressing that way maybe they don’t know what the Bible says, maybe they aren’t saved, maybe their parents don’t care what they wear? Whatever. The point is, being bitter like that is a sin.

Maybe you don’t feel bitter about this subject, I know that bitterness has crept into a lot of areas in my life. Whenever i encounter a rude person, I immediately swell up and feel bitter. Maybe for you it’s towards a co-worker, a friend, a family member who has caused a lot of grief in your family (I understand that feeling too). Pray that God will help you to see them as a soul trying to fill a void or as He sees them. Because bitterness is like a weed that keeps coming back stronger and stronger. It leaves you thirsty and quenched for the peace of God.

I can babble on some more about this but I believe Ephesians 4:31-32 sums it perfectly….

“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”

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