I love conspiracy theories. The Titanic? Never sank. CERN? It’s just plain creepy. I’m subscribed to more conspiracy theory podcast than anything else… Maybe I’m a nut, maybe I just see more clearly than you… lol
But in a more serious sense, I’m paranoid. Not so much that I’m crazy because the government might be spying on me (I have no idea why they are so interested in monitoring my online shopping), But sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and all of a sudden my worst sins come flooding back to mind and I just feel so much shame. I think, “What if my friends knew what I have done before?” I would be humiliated and horrified. Of course I am sure we all have some part of our past that we aren’t proud of.
Sometimes I will get so wrapped up in what I used to be/did I start to feel like that is what defines me. By human nature, defining people is what most of us do. That guy? Oh yeah he is a lawyer. Her? She is a gym-rat. Me? I’m a (insert past sin that you feel like defines you). For me, something that I feel like defines me is that I used to be hateful towards my siblings. There was such an age-gap and I reacted a lot of times with a hateful, irritated attitude.
I get so focused on what I used to be/struggle with, that I start to feel this over-whelming feeling of guilt and depression wash over. It is so strong sometimes that I can’t breathe, because there is this weight on my heart and a lump in my throat.
But I have realized that by focusing and allowing those types of thoughts to dwell in my heart and mind that I and neglecting to do the one thing that makes those feelings vanish.
I am neglecting to glorify what God has done to release me from my old sins! I am bringing the focus back to myself and what I’ve done.
There are certain things that God has declared, here are some declarations from Him, about his children.
- I am not enslaved to what I used to be
Romans 6:6 “We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin.”
- God does not condemn (criticize or disapprove) me.
Romans 8:1 “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
- I am not what/who I used to be
2 Corinthians 5:17-18 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation.”
- I am hand-picked, set apart, and blameless
Ephesians 1:4 “even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him.”
Not only do all of these truths apply to me and you, but there is more. There is something that God gave us to guard our hearts when we start to think that our worth is just what we have done.
John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”
God doesn’t give like the world does. He doesn’t give based on merit. He gives freely and fully. I don’t have to be paranoid about my old sins and what I used to be. I have the peace of God that guards my heart against that.
If you do struggle with who you are and you feel like your worth is just all your mistakes versus what little good you have in you, please know that there is something far better than yourself. You have no control over the mercy, grace, and love of God. If you feel like your heart is heavy just call out to God and pour out to Him your heart and burdens. Like John 14:27 says, God leaves you with a peace and He never takes it away. It might seem sappy and Hallmark like, but it is a real, tangible, love and peace ❤ (And seriously I’m pretty sure even God cringes at those sappy Hallmark movies sometimes too XD)