I Don’t Love My Husband

“Tj when we get home do you care taking Moose out to go potty while I hop in the shower?” (moose is our puppy)

“Sure.”

….. It wasn’t that he said sure. But it was the way he said it.  

“Whatever Tj.”

We got home, he took Moose outside and I got in the shower seriously debating on whether or not to leave him any hot water (I’m a monster, I know.) 

While I was in there debating on whether or not to give into my pride I remembered something I had read earlier today in A Woman’s Walk With GOD by Elizabeth George.

“Love is the sacrifice of self.” 

Earlier today when I was reading that book in my room, cup of coffee in my hand. It seemed like a great concept and all. But now a couple hours later, I’m not so sure…

 The truth is, I knew this for awhile. God is love. God sent his only Son to die. Jesus sacrificed his life for us. As a Christian I am suppose to show His love to everyone around me. It just never really clicked until today that love is sacrificing my pride, my comfort, my  energy, my time, my rest, my wants, my needs, my opinions, my desires, for someone elses. 

Matthew 20:28 “even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

True love is not self seeking.

William Barclay said “Love means that no matter what a man may do to us by way of insult or injury or humiliation we will never seek anything else but his highest good…never..seek anything but the best even for those who seek the worst for us.”

Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”

As  wife I am called to put Tj’s needs before mine. Not because I love him, but because I am suppose to demonstrate God’s love for him. The only way I will ever be able to truly love someone is if it is from God. Not only that, but because I love God, I should want to love others.  

Maybe you don’t have a husband. But if you are a Christian, this still applies to you. We are called to love our neighbors, our enemies, our friends, our family, that mean lady in the checkout line, the annoying co-worker, the bully at school or work, etc…. (John 13:34) (Matthew 5:43-45)

But if you aren’t saved and you never received Christ into your heart, then you don’t know what true love is. You can’t truly love someone. 

Whenever Jesus died on the cross to take the payment for our sins, and He rose again in three days, He showed us the greatest act of self-sacrificing love. He literally sacrficed himself for our sake. If you want self sacrificing love in your life, if you want to love someone with a self-sacrificing love, you can only do that if you received it from God himself by admiting that you are a sinner worthy of death, and that you believe Jesus was the Son of God and rose from the dead. 

Romans 3:23-24 “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.”

So, yes I love Tj. But I don’t always love him like I suppose to.

I don’t think I had a choice in falling in love with TJ (that was God’s plan). But  I do have a choice in loving him everyday with a self sacrificing love that can only come from God. 

When The Whipped Cream Goes Flying

I’m unnaturally clumsy. Not only am I clumsy, but I also have terrible luck. Bad things just always seem to happen to me that never happen to normal people. It is almost like life is a bully and I’m the little kid whose glasses are taped together. Maybe I’m having a pity party, but even my husband admits that bad things always seem to happen to me. Particularly involving drinks.

Today Tj took me to a local boutique to buy a sweatshirt that I had been on the fence about buying for awhile. This was not just any sweatshirt, it was a “dreamy soft” (that’s what the tag said), faded blue, vintage, kind of girl-next-door looking sweatshirt. 

All for just 34.98 

Of course as soon as I got in the car I ripped the tags off and put it on:) It really was dreamy soft! 

Anyways, fast forward 10 minutes later to the Mcdonald’s drive through, Tj got him a strawberry milkshake and me a hot chocolate. 

I opened up the flap to take a sip….and whipped cream came flying out all over my face, my hair, and…. My new sweatshirt. 

See? Bad luck. 

And I got so irritated and angry when it happened. At first I was mad at the guy at Mcdonald’s who made the hot chocolate.  Then I got mad at myself for spending that much money on a stupid shirt. Then I got mad at God for always allowing this kind of stuff to happen to me. 

Something that I struggle with, and always have, is anger. With a flip of a switch I can be the happiest, goofiest girl around, to being angry and bitter. And it’s always because of little stuff like flying whip cream that makes me turn. And it is normally taken out on those I love the most. Probably because I know they will always love me, no matter how ugly I can get. 

While I was sitting in the car with whipped cream dripping from my face and waiting for Tj to get back with napkins (Mcdonald’s forgot the napkins, imagine that;) God brought to my mind the story of Jonah. Growing up I knew his story, but not really. All I had been taught was that if you don’t do what God wants you too, you will probably end up in a whale’s belly. But what I didn’t learn was how the book of Jonah ended. 

Jonah finally preached to Nineveh, and they repented. But then he got angry because he hated the people of Nineveh. (4:1-4)

He left the city and sat down to watch what will happen to the city and God made a plant to grow up beside Jonah, and give him shade so he would be comfortable.Jonah was super happy! After all, he did just preach to a people he hated and been through the belly of a whale and back. A little shade, I’m sure, was much appreciated.  (4:5-6)

But then God took away the plant. A worm attacked it, and it withered then died. (4:7)

Jonah got angry. “It is better for me to die than to live.” (4:8) 

(What a brat, right?)

Then God answers him, “Do you well to be angry at the plant?” (4:9)

Was Jonah benefitting anything at all from being angry at a plant for living and dying? Was his situation changing any? Not at all. Now I think that if I was in his situation, I would be like “You know what God, you’re right. This isn’t doing me any good!” 

But every week something will happen, and I flip. Whether it’s me spilling a drink on myself or Tj leaving his kleenex in the living room floor. I always get angry. And I never benefit from it. In fact, I normally lose from it. 

Jonah answered God and said “Yes, I do well to be angry, angry enough to die.” (4:9)

I wish I could say that me and Jonah don’t have anything in common. No, I never have been swallowed by a whale. But I have gotten angry about things that I have no control over. About things that happen in everyday life to everyday people. I have gotten angry at those I love most and treated them like they mean nothing to me. I have asked God what is the point of life and why does He keep allowing bad stuff to happen to me.  Me and Jonah have more in common than I would like there to be.

James 1:19-20 “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

Looking back I can see how far I have come from where I used to be. There is alot of times that I give into anger and I know there will be more. But it gives me hope seeing how God has changed my heart from what it once was to what it is now. 

So next time the whip cream goes flying all over my brand new shirt (which I hope it doesn’t) I will ask myself “Do it well to be angry?” Because more likely than not, giving into my anger will only make things worse. 

When Sin Slithers Inย 

The past two weeks have been a struggle for me. I have struggled with a sin that I did not see coming. It has made me ask questions about sin that I never thought before. 

I asked God to take away my attraction to this sin, and to help me resist it. But in my mind Satan began to plant seeds of pride and start to convince me that because God made me and knew what I was and wasn’t attracted to, that my sin was somehow justified. 

But that is a lie. It wasn’t my attraction that was a sin, but my sin itself that is a sin (that should’ve been obvious to me ๐Ÿ˜‰

An attractive guy can walk past and I won’t think twice about him. Thats not wrong. But if an attractive guy walks past me and I give into lustful thoughts, that is when it becomes a sin. 

Mark 7:14-15 “And he called the people to him again and said to them,โ€œHear me, all of you, and understand:There is nothing outside a person that by going into him can defile him, but the things that come out of a person are what defile him.”

And honestly, this spiritual battle came out of nowhere. I didn’t see it coming. One day I was close and in tune with God, and the next I felt distant and disinterested.

1 Peter 4:12 “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.”

1 Peter 5:8 says the devil walks around like a roaring lion seeking to devour. 

If I seen a lion roaring and eating everything in it’s path I would’ve ran. Fast. But sometimes, Satan doesn’t come in the form of a lion but a snake. He lurks by without you even knowing. He slithers into the shadows waiting to strike. And when he does, it takes a toll. It makes me disinterested, calloused, and has lasting effects.  

John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”

Even once I repented and have been forgiven he makes me feel unworthy to minister, write, laugh, pray, and read. Sin leaves behind a bitter feeling of shame. And shame is different than guilt…

Shelia Walsh said, “Guilt tells you you’ve done something wrong. Shame tells you you are something wrong.”

Romans 5:3-5 

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 

 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope,

 and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s lovehas been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.


When my husband first told me this verse I kind of blew him off.. Im not suffering… Im struggling with sin.

But the Greek for this word makes it alot more clear.. It also means burdened and anguish. 

Maybe it does apply to me after all…. 

This all works together to produce hope. And in hope we are not put to shame. So next time sin slithers into my life, I can know my temptations and battles can lead me to hope and that I don’t have to have shame because of God’s love that was poured out on the cross.

Here is a link to a message by Shelia Walsh about shame. It helped me alot and I hope it does you as well!

I Was Angry At God, For Being God.

This morning I got up and typed a blog post about who God is. About how Christians only focus on a couple of God’s attributes. How we don’t truly know who God is.
I really felt God moving me to write that post. He was working on my heart as I typed and I couldn’t wait to get to the library later and post it (I don’t have wifi at my house so I have to go to the library to upload).

A couple hours later I was there and went to upload my blog when my computer had crashed. It has been struggling for a year now and I knew I really needed a new one but I just kept putting it off. Long story short, my blog post I was so excited about had disappeared into cyber-space, never to return. I tried everything to retrieve the file but it was corrupted.

I left the library very frustrated and very angry. I was angry at God. The very same God I had written about that morning, I was now angry at and hurt by.
Why would He give me something to write about that morning and put it on my heart to share with others, if I wasn’t going to be able to upload it anyways? Why even put having this blog on my heart when I can’t even upload a blog post?

I began to doubt His love for me and to question Him. He is God, He could fix my computer and retrieve the file if He really wanted to, right? He could have allowed my computer to last just a few more hours and it would have been okay.
I started to ask Him if it was because I wasn’t good enough. If it was because I was being prideful or trying to do it for my own glory. Maybe deep down inside I had some sin that I hadn’t repented of or I had an idol in my life. Maybe that was His punishment on me.
I was so angry and hurt. Maybe you are reading this and thinking “It was just a blog post, just chill out?” Which is true, there are more important things to get upset over than a stupid blog. But I think it was the fact that here I was, trying to serve God, trying to do what He was laying on my heart to do, and He wasn’t allowing me to.

How dare He.

Thinking over the post that I had written this morning, I was talking about how there are attributes of God that we don’t ever talk about. He is just and loving (which is normally what most Christians focus on). But He is also patient, merciful, omnipresent, He isn’t contained by time or space. He is gracious, all-knowing, transcendent, immanent, infinite, immutable, good, truthful, and righteous.

He is 100% just, 100% loving, 100% merciful, 100% gracious, 100% truthful, 100% righteous simultaneously 100% of the time.

One thing I learned today is that He is all of those things,… yet He is also God.
This morning I had forgotten His most important attribute of all…

HE IS GOD.

I think I forgot that today. Yes, He could have fixed my computer and retrieved that corrupted file and allowed me to upload that post and everything would’ve gone according to my plan. But He had other plans. Did I accept them like I should have? Absolutely not. I am ashamed that I got angry at God. That I doubted Him. But that is where grace steps in. (Remember? God is gracious) I have repented and I am forgiven.

Maybe there is something in your life that has happened and you are angry at God over. A bad health report, a family member passed away, you lost a job or job opportunity. The Bible doesn’t tell us exactly why God allows those things to happen to us. That is not for us to know. But it does say that He has our best interest in mind.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

I don’t know why my computer crashed today. But I do know that I learned through it. I know more about what God is like now than I did before writing about it this morning. He is God! He truly is transcendent. Above our knowledge and understanding.

Isaiah 55:8-9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”

Don’t forget that God is God. The one God. The true God. The only God. My God.

Letting God Dig Out My Splinters

Last week my church had revival and it was really great! We had people saved, and some rededicate their life to the Lord. As with most revivals, each night there was an altar call to give everyone who was there an oppurtunity to humbly pray to God, repent, ask for forgivness, etc… One of the things about true revival is that it doesn’t feel good. In fact, it can be really uncomfortable. For saved people, it can mean repenting of sins and asking for forgiveness of sins. It is a season of restoration.

I’m still studying Hosea using Jennifer Rothschild’s study guide (I had gotten way behind but I’m catching up!). One passage from Hosea really stuck out to me while studying.

Hosea Chapter 6:1-3 (ESV)

“Come, let us return to the Lord; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will raise us up, that we may live before him. Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord; his going out is sure as the dawn; he will come to us like showers, as the spring rains that water the earth.”

This passage in Hosea is talking about Israel and Judah being unrepentant. Hosea is prophesing to the people, telling them that there can be restoration. Revival! A part of the revival process is God correcting us. This past week God laid things on my heart that I knew I needed to change and it didn’t feel good. But just because I went to the altar, asked for forgiveness, and prayed about it doesn’t make it revival. Revival is a process. Like Pastor Henry said “Revival isn’t a series of messages.” Which is so true! In the verses above revival was God tearing down Israel and Judah so He can build them up. God has to knock down my pride to help me grow. He has to show me I can’t depend on myself so I can start depending on Him.

For me, last week wasn’t just a revival but it has been the start of revival. It was a time when God showed me that I was in need of Him, the ways I had gone astray, and He said Let’s begin! But it doesn’t feel good. This week I have caught myself being mean and irritable. Why? Because God has been showing me things about myself that I don’t want to deal with. He has torn me. But He is also healing me.

Whenever you get a splinter what do you do? Unless you want it to get infected and swell up, you have to dig it out. And it hurts! Especially if someone else is doing it for you. I always wanted to be in control of getting the splinters out of my fingers so whenever it started hurting, I could stop. Revival is the same way. It hurts to dig out my sin and bring it to the light, especially when God is the one doing it! It is easier to just ignore our sin, but if we do it will swell up and affect us more than we thought it would.

“Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord…” To have revival you have to keep on keeping on. Be steadfast! When revival week for my church ended, it shouldn’t be the end of my personal revival. That week was a jumpstart. A call from God saying “I’m ready, whenever you are willing!”. Like I have said about 4 times already, Revival is a process. And it has it’s rewards too “…he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth.” That’s a promise!

I don’t know what revival may mean to you. It could be repenting, forgiving, letting go, making commitments, being honest, etc… only you and God know that. But remember, don’t stop your revival at the altar. Like verse 6 says in this same passage, He desires steadfast love, and that is exactly what it takes to be revived! Steadfast in our love for Him that we press on through the judgement and allow God to dig out our splinters so He can start to heal us.